Stop Asking, “What Happened to You?”
Have you ever noticed that when you live with a visible disability, total strangers sometimes feel entitled to ask, “So, what happened to you?” Not trying to be rude here, but believe it or not, I don’t owe my medical history and life story to anyone, least of all strangers.
It’s as if people see a disabled person and immediately think, “How terrible! I wonder what happened?” Then, instead of keeping that thought private, they actually ask. You would never ask such a personal question to a non-disabled person you’ve just met, so why is it considered acceptable when the person is disabled?
Too often, people see us as broken or as the subjects of some tragic story they’re curious to hear. Or they want an inspiring tale of triumph over tragedy, when in reality, these experiences are deeply personal and sometimes too personal to share even with close friends, much less with strangers or casual acquaintances.
Let’s normalize respecting boundaries and not treating disabled people like public stories waiting to be told.
Author’s Note: In writing this article, I made an important realization about myself. I have been so conditioned to just accept this intrusion that I not only answer them, but tend to blab my entire life journey. I overshare with strangers, I think, because I still feel the need I’ve felt all my life — to ‘prove’ that I am worthy. I am now making a conscious effort to stop doing this!
So, I’ve been trying to think of some things I could say to a person who asks this intrusive type of question, that aren’t rude, but that make the point that their question is inappropriate and that I have no intention of answering it.
Here are a few I thought of:
“That’s actually pretty personal. I’d rather not get into it.”
“I appreciate your concern, but that’s not something I talk about with strangers.”
“It’s a long story, and not one I usually share.”
“That’s actually a really personal question for disabled people. Most of us prefer not to be asked.”
“I know you probably meant well, but that’s not something strangers should ask.”
“I’m happy to chat, but not about my medical history.”
“Just so you know, asking a disabled person what happened can feel invasive.”
If you have any other suggestions, please leave me a comment. I’d love to know what you think!
Take a moment to explore other articles about living with disabilities or chronic illnesses by Jan Mariet.
Designer Shoes and Disability: Why Judging Others Is Obscene – Jan Mariet’s A Day in the Life
Disabled People Don’t Need Permission to Enjoy Life – Jan Mariet’s A Day in the Life
Have you ever had a stranger ask you an intrusive question like “What happened to you?” Leave a comment and let’s create a space where our stories remind others they’re not alone.