I wake up when the sunlight
hits the windowsill,
but there’s nothing waiting for me.
The sun rises, so I get up.
The world moves,
so I follow along,
not because I want to,
but because that’s what you do.
Everything feels quiet,
but not peaceful or calm.
It just feels empty.
I’m not really living,
just existing,
just passing time
that ticks so slowly,
waiting
for the next hour to strike.
I smile sometimes,
because when I do, people stop
and pass the time of day.
I say I’m fine,
so you’ll believe it.
I laugh,
so you’ll stop asking how I am.
I smile,
so you won’t worry.
I miss the days when life felt real,
when I didn’t feel alone even in a crowd,
when doing things on my own
felt natural and empowered,
not strange and lonely.
Now it’s just me,
and the silence
that follows me everywhere.
I keep going,
not because I feel okay,
but because I don’t know how to stop.
-Jan Mariet 4/7/2026
