There is something people who’ve battled cancer rarely say. “I would have been better off dying from cancer than living as a cancer survivor.” You may hate me for saying this aloud, but I know there are others in my position, holding the same thoughts they feel they are not allowed to say.
We tell ourselves that we would be ungrateful to even think such a thing, and so we keep it inside. Cancer treatment may have kept us alive, but for some of us, it also left us living with losses and limitations that have reshaped our lives in ways we never expected.
The result is a complicated reality where gratitude for being alive exists alongside a deep sense of grief for the life we once had or believed we would return to. It’s a hard duality to live with.
Please tell me there are others who struggle with this.
Here are responses from fellow cancer survivors.
“There is a tightrope one walks, with trauma in one hand and gratitude in the other. Medical PTSD is real and suffering is real. I don’t tell myself anything about being ungrateful. Yes, my life is very different in many ways. I have dark days. I see a counselor. I participate in a grief group. Please don’t feel shame or blame. Nobody “hates” you for your cancer journey. If I was physically suffering to the point that life was unbearable, I would do assisted suicide.“
“You are NOT alone!! It seems the side effects of treatment and surgery are (in some ways) worse than the cancer itself!! Keep keeping on. I support you.“
“It’s okay to feel this way, doesn’t mean you’re not thankful for life. There is that fine line where many of us make a choice of is enough enough for treatments or I’m still fighting. The aftermath of treatment is different for us all and how our bodies hold up.“
“Every single day. If not for my 3 girls, I’d have given up a while ago. I live with an ileostomy, debilitating pain, constant fatigue and depression. I fought to live. But not this way.”
“I struggle with this every day.“
“I do. I’m absolutely glad I’m still alive, but there are most definitely days where I’m so miserable and depressed about where I am now that I have asked myself that question a few times… Was it worth it? Yes and not always. I would absolutely do it again, I just wish I had known how much different I would be after it was all said and done.“
“Every. Single. Day.“
“I’m going thru this everyday now…. I felt better at 3 months post treatment the i do almost 1 year post treatment. My exhaustion is debilitating, my body hurts all day every day, the doctors won’t listen and just push u off on other doctors “
“Not to the point of not wanting to live with cancer any longer. It’s been a long, hard struggle…for me 6 months and not done yet. Hospitalizations, near death experiences, and all the rest. I keep the cards sent me for encouragement…keep them in a special book. It helps at the low times. At the low times I try to remember what it was about life I treasured so much. “
“Yes, it alters your life. I am 26 years out from Stage 4. My doctor was honest with me and told me I would hurt every day for the rest of my life. He said he was sorry, but I was alive. You have to learn to do things in moderation. I can tell you some things improve over time, and you have to change your habits and expectations. You have to find new things that bring you joy.”
“OMG..you stated exactly how I feel. I am so wracked with issues that I barely recognize myself. The fatigue is unbelievable. NO ONE understands!! Bless you on your journey.“
“You’re not the only one who grieves the body they once had and the person they were before treatment. I do, too, although my side effects are minimal compared to many others and I feel grateful for that at the same time. It’s complicated and challenging but hey, that’s how life is, I guess, so I keep trying to make the best of what is now.”
